ACT Coke-Whore

I’m gearing up to take another ACT tomorrow. At this point, I have zero expectations. I am starting to think I am just stupid or something. Everyone I have ever spoken to has a 35. I just don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I get a 35? Am I not studying hard enough? Does God not love me?

I just want a high score because the rest of my application is bullcrap and I need something that looks good. I should have locked in like 10 years ago. The day I was born, someone should have yanked me out of my mothers arms, taken me out of the room, and said, “It’s not all sunshine and fucking puppies, pipsqueak. Get to work.”

Instead, I have spent high school with the “fuck it” mentality of a young coke-whore with no parents. It doesn’t even make sense because I don’t do anything. I don’t party. I don’t have a busy social life. I am not a coke-whore. I just didn’t try especially hard in school because I was lazy and assumed “good is good enough.”

Maybe the real coke-whore and my yin/yang equilibrium is the fear of trying hard and failing. In 9th grade, I would have my parents read all of my school essays. They would tell me that they were illegible. I would get sad because I loved writing and I didn’t want to acknowledge that I wasn’t good at it. 

The night before my June ACT I got high. I had to get up early the next day, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to fall sleep. In hindsight, that was a dumb decision and it probably gave me brain-fog the morning of the test. Real short-bus stuff. I am not going to get high tonight. I will take Benadryl to sleep. 

The whole weed thing proves my point, though. Maybe I get so nervous about the test that I make really stupid decisions that end up being detrimental to my score. Nevertheless, every school I want to go to is hella test optional. I will use that to my advantage if I have to.

I am being dramatic about all of this. I just don't know anyone else who is still testing in July and it makes me feel like I am behind.

Now I have to go to CVS to get Benadryl. Goodbye and wish me luck.